Lucas's Job
by Warrior of The Healing Flame
Summary: *For Lady Paprika's Out of Character Contest* Lucas has ben hired to do a job , will he succeed or fail. Rated M for swearing, Blood and do I even have to say what else.
1. Chapter 1

One day I was sitting minding my own business , in my office eating breakfast when all of a sudden Samus walked up to my desk.

"What can I do for you?" I asked Samus.

"I want you to take them out, Lucas." Samus demanded.

"Take who out?" I asked curiously while fixing my eyes for a brief moment on Samus's 'assets' before she noticed.

"Ninja Theory Lucas, they bastardized me." Samus snapped.

"And I give a damn, why?" I asked.

"I'll give you a flat screen with a PS3?" Samus replied.

"Nope." I breifly replied.

"…A plasma with a PS3, Xbox 360, a Wii and a WiiU?"

"Close but no cigar." I taunted as I wathced Samus snap with desperation and looked me sternly in the eyes before saying, "I'll not only give you the plasma screen T.V with all the systems I mentioned before , I'll provide you with that tape and pay off all of your debts for a month plus," Samus then put her face on my shoulder making her mouth near my ear before whispering very seductivley, "Something Special."

I then got out of my seat replying to Samus saying "It's a done freaking deal." before I walked out of my office when all of a sudden Master Hand came in.

"Lucas I-" Master hand started to say, even though he was a floating hand believe me I still struggle to figure out how the hell he could talk, anyway back to the main story.

"Yes finish your sentence." I said.

"I-I wanted to let you know that my new office is very good Lucas even though you stole my office and gave me a run down piece of crap but hey it's your idea." Master Hand said.

"It's yours for now until I kill Wario and get an actual Office." I said before I kicked open the door and proceeded down the mansion until I found Captan Falcon.

"Falcon, I need your ride, now!" I demanded.

"Okay just don't hurt me again." begged Captan Falcon, as he handed over his keys because he didn't want me to use my awesome Psi powers to scramble his 'falcons eggs' for the one hundredth time, most of which was blocking my view of Samus in the shower. Anyway I took them from his hand before blasting him out the window.

"Owwwwww!" Howled Captan Falcon as I walked away to the garage where his ride was waiting. Without any Hesitation, I jumped into the car, put the key in ignition, smoked a cuban cigar, threw it out which landed on Mario's face.

_'Fuck that shitty plumber.' _I thought to myself as I watched Mario scream various things about me before I backed up the Blue Falcon and hit his 'mushrooms' repeatedly while I laughed.

**Author's Note Here is my entry for Lady Paprika's contest which I hope to god goes very well anyway, If my characterization Lucas becomes Duke Nukem (The Forever Version), I'm sorry.**

**Anyway I hope you enjoy this and hopefully don't kill me for this. **


	2. Chapter 2

"God fucking dammit!" I yelled kicking Captian Falcon's ride which had run out of gas, next to a overpriced gas station, thanks to him not filling up when he should've. So I used my awesome psychic powers to lift the car over to the gas station where an angry attendant walked over to me.

"Sir, I'm afraid your car is in the way," he said, "I'm afraid I must ask you to move your car."

"Tell everyone to Fuck off then!" I snapped at the attendant.

"Sir, I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave." bitched the attendant yet again so feeling annoyed, I zapped him with My PK Thunder.

"Anyone else wanna mess with me?!" I said which caused all of the cars to get out of the way which was smart of them as I used my psychic powers to steal the gas from the gas pumps because I am too awesome to pay for the gas when all of a sudden I saw a limo that had Ninja theory written all over it literally pass me by, so I quickly stole the gas and hopped in my ride.

_'Might as well get some awesome chase music.' _I thought to myself as I turned on the radio to find Rebbeca Black's Friday which was my favorite song of all time which provided me with entertainment while the limo was following the speed limit and being boring.

_'Fuck this.' _I thought to myself was going all action movie style and breaking the speed limit causing several people to be jealous of my awesomeness by honking their horns and calling me 'Fucking Jerk'. Then I crashed into the limo causing the both of us to go off road to a swamp of some kind, this caused the driver in question to preform a jerkish move and flew right into my face.

"What the hell is your problem kid?!" Demanded the driver which he had no right to do, considering he nearly flew into my face.

"I was going to go kill fucking ninja theory of all companies but you just had to drive too slow didn't you fucking bastard!" I snapped.

Then without warning , The man ran up and dared to slap me in the face, so as a reasonable response I shocked him with my PSI powers which held the bastard still.

"Listen to me, dammit , I want you to take me to Ninja theory in a Private fucking jet now!" I ordered the man.

"Sir that's impossible!" The Man said.

"Did I ask if it was?" I snapped back at him before shocking him twice, one for disobeying my orders and the second one because I fucking felt like that.

"I'll see what I can do." The Man replied.

"That's better!" I replied , as the man began to dialing a number on his cell phone.

"Hello yes I request a Private Jet to take me and a fan to Ninja theory right this very second, no questions asked." The man instructed whoever it was on the phone and before he hung up. Five seconds later one came and it was fucking awesome so I got on the plane.

_'This is Fucking awesome!' _I thought to myself as I immediately sat in the first seat I saw , which somehow trapped me with chains that came right the fuck out of nowhere along with a movie screen which appeared later but not before all the seats disappeared.

_'God Fucking Damnit!' _I thought to myself as I tried to use my psychic powers to break free only to find out that I couldn't and before I could find someone to blame it on, I saw the face of Porky Minch the worst playa hater I have ever met. You see, Pokey seems like a stuck up asshole trying to stop the people to see my amazing awesomeness by making up excuses like 'This doesn't make the smash mansion look good' or 'Lucas this isn't right' when really he is super jealous of me and want to be me.

"Lucas this has gone far enough , The Smash mansion is one thing but Ninja theory is another." Porky said.

"Oh go get laid already!" I snapped back.

"Lucas, I'm going to stop you not because I'm the President/C.E.O of Ninja theory but because what your doing is wrong." Porky replied.

"Fuck you too buddy." I said, making my fans worship me even more.

"Okay you left me with no choice I have to play that dreaded song." not only ended Porky's transmissions but caused a pair of headphones were strapped to my ears as Shakira's She-Wolf was blasting through my ears which too everyone else was torture but because I am so awesome , it didn't torture me, that and I may have listened to Wario torturing Snake with Katy Perry's Firework for god knows how long. I then used my psychic powers to mind control whoever was piloting the plane using my awesome psychic powers to take me to Ninja theory's headquarters. When we landed I used my psychic powers to remove my restraints, to go get my reward money.

"It's showtime!" I shouted my original line which Snake totally stole from me. I then broke in the air base to a mysterious door which had a neon green sign with an arrow that read; "To destroy every single member of Ninja Theory enter here"

_'I'm not complaining.' _I thought to myself as I entered the door only to find myself in a cage with Porky on the other side of the cage.

"Should've guessed." I muttered to myself.

"Lucas look I get that you think that you are awesome, but your are running the Smash Mansion's reputation, so I have to stop you." Porky said, trying to hide any signs of Envy or adoration towards me.

"Bite me!" I snapped back.

Porky then sighed, which exposed that he wished he was me , when all of a sudden a mysterious person in a black cloak that his every feature of this person, trolling not only me but the readers of this awesome story as well.

"So who the fuck did you bring this time, another lawyer," I taunted while keeping my awesome grin on my face ," you know court can't stop me I have more awesomeness."

The black cloaked figure then took of the cloak revealing Samus Aran.

"Sorry Lucas but you gone far enough." Samus cooly said to me while pulling a switch which sent me falling into a deep pitch black hole.

_'This is going to take a while.' _I thought to myself as I fell in a awesome sleep.

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**Author's Note: Two down and One to go. **


	3. Chapter 3

I later woke up in a volcanic-like area complete with demons laughing and a huge black gate that read; Abandon all hope all who enter.

_'Looks like I'm in hell.' _I thought to myself as I walked to the gates of hell, where I met my best friend The Devil.

"Lucas, how are you doing." The Devil said as he met me.

"What's up D-man." I said before giving him a high-five.

"Nothing much, just sent here to get you to the king of hell." The Devil replied.

"I thought you were the king of hell?!" I exclaimed because, how the hell can the devil not be the king of hell , it's his domain of gods sake.

"There was a coup and well The new king of hell is waiting for you." The Devil said as a throne made out of bones suddenly crushed the devil.

"Screw him." Muttered a little blonde girl who was both pale and wearing a purple dress.

"Okay who the fuck are you?!" I demanded the little girl when a red-devil like being and a figure in a torn up brown cloak appeared.

"Control you language mortal!" replied The red-devil like being who was aiming his flaming trident at me.

"Or else!" added the figure in the brown torn cloak as he began glowing in a purple aura.

"Uncles, please stop." begged the girl before both of those things complied with her demand.

"Lucas." The girl said to me.

"Yes?" I replied not scared of her because whatever she could do to me couldn't be worse than Mario's enragement over the fact that everyone excluding me had been with Peach in 'another castle'.

"Would you kindly die for me." she asked in a kind voice.

"Would you kindly, what?" I replied, confused if she actually said Die for me or Play with me, either way I was quite scared.

"Our niece asked if you would Die for her." replied the red-devil like thing.

"Fuck no!" was my response, which caused the little girl in question to emit a very scary aura which normally would've been fine, if her 'uncles' were not doing this as well.

"Hold on a minute!" replied a voice that was courtesy of Captan Falcon who suddenly rushed into hell.

"Captan Falcon?!" I exclaimed , "What are you doing here?"

"Why to help my cousin of course." Captan Falcon muttered with a grin as he cracked both his knuckles before joining the three beings in emitting the evil aura.

_'Oh fuck!' _was the last thought circulating trough my mind before I was beaten up the combined efforts of the little girl's magical powers and her 'relatives' brawn which caused me to regret having to end up in here in the first place. Then I woke up in a bed in a motel room.

"Phew, thank god it was all a dream." I muttered to myself.

"Now would you Die For Me?" asked the voice of the little girl.

"No!" I replied which caused multiple pyramid headed things to emerge from not just every door but from every window and wall as well.

"Okay, I was kidding I would like to die for you, now make it stop!" I screamed, then the room faded away in a bunch of colors revealing I was in hell all along and with all of this evil little girl's 'relatives' watching me as the little girl herself was standing on me.

"What the hell is your problem?" I asked the little girl.

"I just want someone to die for me, that is all I require." replied the little girl before laughing.

* * *

**Author's note Sorry if the ending seemed kind of rushed/ out of nowhere and no , the little girl nor her uncles belong to me just like the rest of the characters in this story. **


End file.
